It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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