my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
