he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We have started to decorate penises.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
