You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize