It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
