he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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