I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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