I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
