I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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