I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Your dad touched me again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
