My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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