How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
