i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
