i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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