Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
