the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
