Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
