i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
