I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
