you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
