I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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