Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
