Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
