Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
