I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
