The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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