I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
