Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
