Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
