just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You pole danced in your parka.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
