mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
