New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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