mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
