my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
