Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
