Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
