Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
