i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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