quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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