After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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