tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
