$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my vag is so smooth its legendary
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
ttyl tear gas
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
