Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
