my vag is so smooth its legendary
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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