Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
