I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
