Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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