hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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