I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This house was built for laser tag.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
