How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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