he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize