if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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