So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
