I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
