I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
