Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
