I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
