Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
