She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
