I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
