Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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