2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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