I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
