why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
